Living to up to....

This time, I am choosing to write things that really is rather bothersome and supposedly not worth mentioning. But I am sort of trying to be sensitive to the littlest things that bother me and hence sub-consciously controls my actions and that also indirectly personifies me.

The thing is, there are these unwritten laws of expectation people expect out of you. People, most of the time, unintentionally make you feel like you need to live up to their expectations. People indirectly wants you to become something of the norm, a constant variable, a control experiment. Or actually it is just me that feels this way and somehow what people say just makes me feel obliged to do the expected.

Examples:

• When people wish you all the best in exams, the invisible contract of expectation of getting high marks is written. You would want to do well, so you won't let them down.
• People expect you to be strong, to be smart, to never break down.
• When you're young, people expect you to shut up and listen.
• When you're old, people expect you to be a role model.
• People expect you to never complain about life.
• When there are people around you, you are expected to never be yourself. Not to show true emotions. Keep smiling.
• You're expected to be responsible.
• People will expect you to stand up for the weak, the oppressed and those that are worse than you.
• People expect you to teach, guide, lead the least.
• When trials and insults come, you're expected to keep a cool head and not EXPLODE.
• When there is problem, you're expected to do something about it.
• When someone ask you for help, you're expected to say yes.
• Especially when you're supposedly a Christian, the expectation is higher, much higher.
• Heck! You're expected not even to say these things mentioned above.

So in reality, we or at least I am sub-consciously living to opinion. I think this is the reason for my split personalities. And yes, I am a hypocrite. Now I realise finally it. Now I experienced epiphany. Now I finally grasp the reality and truth. So now I will try my utmost best to do the expected things on MY OWN PREROGATIVE and not because people expect me to do so.

(Though probably it's too late for SPM)

So yeah, I guess this is also sort of another resolution.

I resolve to do the expected with my free will, volition, inclination, intention or whatever you call it.

Why do I want to do the expected? Well, actually because most of the expected things are good things. The rest I can simply just don't do . Such as being someone I'm not.

Took me a while to realise this. So, sorry.

I have recover from my headache, I shall go and try to memorise some nilai moral now.