A new year, a new start

Yes, I know it is weird and late for a new year post, but heck I'm writing anyway eventhough it will be a short one.

It really is weird. To not buy text books for school. To not wake up early for school. To not be dressing up for school. To not do any homework for school.

But enough on that, I shall not dwell on the past if not I'll never move forward. Someone once wrote that, " To start a new life, you have to die to the old." I couldn't agree more.

So for now, I just have to be a ronin and bear with it for awhile.

Any wishes for this year? I wish I would be a more people person.

Enjoy the year ahead!

Living to up to....

This time, I am choosing to write things that really is rather bothersome and supposedly not worth mentioning. But I am sort of trying to be sensitive to the littlest things that bother me and hence sub-consciously controls my actions and that also indirectly personifies me.

The thing is, there are these unwritten laws of expectation people expect out of you. People, most of the time, unintentionally make you feel like you need to live up to their expectations. People indirectly wants you to become something of the norm, a constant variable, a control experiment. Or actually it is just me that feels this way and somehow what people say just makes me feel obliged to do the expected.

Examples:

• When people wish you all the best in exams, the invisible contract of expectation of getting high marks is written. You would want to do well, so you won't let them down.
• People expect you to be strong, to be smart, to never break down.
• When you're young, people expect you to shut up and listen.
• When you're old, people expect you to be a role model.
• People expect you to never complain about life.
• When there are people around you, you are expected to never be yourself. Not to show true emotions. Keep smiling.
• You're expected to be responsible.
• People will expect you to stand up for the weak, the oppressed and those that are worse than you.
• People expect you to teach, guide, lead the least.
• When trials and insults come, you're expected to keep a cool head and not EXPLODE.
• When there is problem, you're expected to do something about it.
• When someone ask you for help, you're expected to say yes.
• Especially when you're supposedly a Christian, the expectation is higher, much higher.
• Heck! You're expected not even to say these things mentioned above.

So in reality, we or at least I am sub-consciously living to opinion. I think this is the reason for my split personalities. And yes, I am a hypocrite. Now I realise finally it. Now I experienced epiphany. Now I finally grasp the reality and truth. So now I will try my utmost best to do the expected things on MY OWN PREROGATIVE and not because people expect me to do so.

(Though probably it's too late for SPM)

So yeah, I guess this is also sort of another resolution.

I resolve to do the expected with my free will, volition, inclination, intention or whatever you call it.

Why do I want to do the expected? Well, actually because most of the expected things are good things. The rest I can simply just don't do . Such as being someone I'm not.

Took me a while to realise this. So, sorry.

I have recover from my headache, I shall go and try to memorise some nilai moral now.

I resolve....

Been quite a while right since my last real post, right? Well, maybe its because there is probably nothing going through my mind as I try to sit down and study for my SPM in less than 7 days from now. So apologies to everyone for my lack of topics.

But somehow my mind tends to wander about my past. How rebellious I was when I was in my lower secondary school life. How ignorant I was for the past 17 years. How complete of a idiot I was and am. Really. When compare to God, I am but an irrelevent bacteria in the whole Universe. Really how insignificant I am.

Then I felt ashamed. Ashamed that I often glorify myself. Ashamed that I often claimed that I am something great and that the world revolves around me. Ashamed that I put my wants in front of the needs of others. Ashamed that I am really a despectible creature ever to walk this earth.

Often we tend to compare ourselves with others to make us feel better. To make us feel superior. Like I am not so bad as that guy over there who is dumber, poorer, who steal and murder. But in actual fact, I now believe that comparing with others is just running away from my own fault. Yeah, nobody is perfect and all that but we as human were created in the image of God. Like a reflection of a vast mountain on the surface of a lake. I can never be exactly like God but I should try to be more like Him which is perfect.

So now, even though New Year is not here untill in the next 2 months, I resolve to be more observant. Well, I can't be perfect overnight, so I'm just going to do that one tiny step at a time. It's not much being observant, but it is a start.

Why observant?

Cheow Lay once said I was sharp because I "noticed" things. But now I realise I "noticed" mostly the wrong things. Like people's mistakes. Money. People's secrets. Gossips.

I don't really care about other people's pain and suffering. I don't go out of my way to make people feel better other than the usual, "Are you OK?". No, actually I don't notice or don't bother to. I don't notice if people is not feeling well or coming down with something. I don't notice if someone is facing some trouble or feeling upset about something. I don't notice when someone is not there anymore. I don't notice if someone did something nice, or spent time doing good. Really, I just don't notice things.

So, I resolve to be observant.

Matt Huang might say I am yapping away like some emo kid. Maybe I am. But I do know what I say is honest. So I guess that's OK.

Anyway, to all the form 5 who will be facing the same disaster as I am next week,

GOOD LUCK!!!